Note that these comments represent the opinion of the writer and not
an expert opinion. It is provided as one viewpoint and the information
should be used as only that. Your comments and feedback as always are
appreciated.
You just learned that your
child will be 'different'
Many
emotions surface when you first get the news. While there is no consistent
way to describe what you may feel, your thoughts, feelings and emotions will
more than likely be very strong and varied. Some might refer to it as an emotional
roller-coaster.
Everyone
handles the news in a different way. Trust that your emotions are right for you
and your situation. Expect a full
range of emotions and embrace your feelings. Don’t let anyone tell you that
you should or should not think or feel a certain way. You are
entitled to your emotions – whatever they may be at the time. There is no
“right” or “wrong” way to feel or think, and you may experience your
feelings in a different way than someone else.
Some of the emotions that the parents
of Colorado UnLimbited Children have experienced are listed below.
Don’t be surprised if you share some or all of these feelings:
Shock:
Unexpected news can send you into a tailspin of shock. You may feel numb with
disbelief and it can take a while to sort through your thoughts, feelings and
expectations. Give yourself time.
Fear:
You may feel a great deal of fear, both for yourself and for your child.
You may wonder how you can deal with such a situation. When fear takes
hold, it can dominate your every thought and leave you feeling paralyzed. Take a
few deep breaths and remember that you will move past this stage of intense
fear. Put your fears into words, talk with your partner, try to define your
fears rather than letting them define you so that you can move past them. Fear
is a natural part of everybody’s life. Perhaps, in naming your fears, you will
be able to let them go. Many fears are future-based. Look at your present
knowledge and take things one step at a time.
Uncertainty:
You may be faced with a great deal of uncertainty, depending on your specific
situation. Much uncertainty is also future-based. Again, look at your present
situation and focus on what you can learn to help waylay the uncertainty. If
there is a medical diagnosis, learn what you can. Knowledge is power.
Hopelessness:
You may wonder how you can get through this.
And you may wonder how your child will ever lead a full and happy life
with a limb difference. These
feelings are not uncommon; however, they tend to change when you realize that
his or her limb difference will be just another obstacle for you and your child
to overcome. We all face obstacles
from different sources and in varying degrees throughout life. This is just
another challenge to overcome.
Depression:
Depression can be a serious condition that causes you to experience an inability
to function day-to-day. Seek professional help if you experience symptoms
that might be depression.
According
to www.webmd.com, depression is “a mood
disorder that causes symptoms such as low energy, prolonged sadness or
irritability, and lack of interest in daily activities. It can be triggered by a
chemical imbalance or stressful, emotional situations. Depression is a medical
condition, not a character flaw or weakness. Many people with depression do not
seek treatment because they are embarrassed or think they will get over it on
their own.”
The
mother of one of our UnLimbited children offers the following:
“When
you are suffering from depression, you most likely don’t realize it’s
really happening to you. Your loved ones around you start to notice the
differences well before you do, like not getting dressed in the morning, or
not wanting to get off the couch once you get out of bed. I felt very
isolated to my home and never wanted to go anywhere. I did not even realize I
was doing this to myself. I had always been a very social person and loved to
be around people, but the thought of visiting someone became nerve shattering.
All I could do was sit in the house and watch TV, and try and take care of my
sick child. It was hell on earth. Then one day I realized, through
my husband’s intervention, that I was depressed. It took me seven months to
realize this, and I was shocked to see how downhill I had really gone. I
decided to talk to my doctor for help and to ask for anti-depressants, but the
medication she prescribed completely derailed me, and I realized that
medication wasn’t for me. I knew then I had to look deep inside and conjure
up the strength to talk to a psychologist. It took shear strength to get
in the car and drive to see her. After seeing this doctor, I finally
realized that what was happening in my life wasn't my fault; neither my
son’s hand, nor the eating issues. I realized that my son has made the
choice to be in this world and he is stronger than I gave him credit.
The doctor made me realize that I love my son more than life itself, and I am
doing everything in my power to keep him healthy and safe. I would chant
the affirmation 20 times a day: that I loved my son and I am doing everything
I can to help him. I accepted that my son has the most important role to play
in his life - creating a happy and healthy place to be loved by his family.
The thing I noticed the most, is that when I lightened up and started feeling
better, so did my son. That is no surprise now, but it was a long journey for
me to understand that.”
If
you feel you may be suffering from depression, visit www.webmd.com for an
interesting self-quiz titled “Are
depression and anxiety symptoms interfering with your life?” click here.
Love:
You will also experience a great deal of love in your situation. You will
receive a lot of love from those around you, and you will feel a tremendous love for your child.
Anyone who has
experienced the birth or adoption of a child - including a child with a limb
difference - will remember that
he or she is their child, and will forever be a part of them. Your children are yours to
love, teach, and treasure. If your child is born with a limb difference, or has experienced a limb loss due to
accident or medical condition, remember that he or she is still a whole child in
spirit.
Insecurity:
While you will
receive a lot of love from those around you, you may want to push away from the
love others want to share, as you are insecure in the situation and wish to deal with your situation and your
feelings alone. You may question if you can truly love a child with a limb
difference; sometimes only on a subconscious level, and sometimes for a very
short period of time. You may feel guilty for having such feelings, and question
the love you are able to give. These feelings are not uncommon, and sometimes
the bonding process takes a little longer when your child does not meet your
expectation for the 'perfect' baby. Be patient with yourself. Be honest. Talk
about your feelings. Others will continue to love you, and you will love your
child as you accept his or her difference and see that he or she is every bit
your child to love, teach and treasure.
Animosity:
You may feel anger and hostility toward people who don’t react the way you
expect or would like them to. This may include strangers as well as loved ones. Step away from the anger and realize that people
react from their own fears or ignorance, or from simply not knowing how to
react.
Loneliness:
If you feel like you are going through this alone, it’s because you are going
through it in your own way. You may pull away from your partner if he or she
doesn’t share your emotions. Give each other space to heal and remember to
share your emotions equally and intimately. Your spouse may be feeling the same
way but unable to communicate it.
Grief:
The feelings of grief from having a child with a limb difference are very
similar to the feelings of grief from the death of a loved one.
It takes time to work through the multiples stages of grief.
A separate article on our site covering the 5 Stages of Grief
by clicking here.
Blame:
A common way to deal with the situation is to look for someone or something to
blame. All too often, the mother
tends to blame herself, or one parent will blame the other, or the couple will
look to blame the doctor or hospital, or anyone/anything else they can think of.
In most instances nobody and nothing is to blame other than a physical
occurrence that results in a limb difference.
Hope:
As you come to accept your child’s limb differences; as you come to see that
your child is just like any other child with the exception of his or her limb
difference; as you learn about the accomplishments of others who have overcome
similar circumstances; and as you deal with the wide range of emotions that you
have felt, you will accept your challenges and develop hope for the future.
While it may not be your primary emotion initially, it will happen.
You and your child will learn to face the challenges and feelings of
accomplishment together, and you will be surprised how little truly stands in
your way to a happy and full life.
"All
things in this world must be seen with youthful, hopeful eyes."
-
Henry David Thoreau
[Note
that Colorado UnLimbited Children is there to support you in your journey as you
experience these and other thoughts, feelings and emotions.
We hope you will join our group. Come share with us and let us share with
you our successes and accomplishments as we work together for the benefit of our
families.]
